Scene: After Ultima 8, before Ultima 9. The Ricki Lake Show television studio.
Narrator: The Ricki Lake show logo flashes onto the screen, then the Ricki Lake theme song begins to blare. The camera pans across the audience, filled with Brazilian tourists, Richie Bears, Babylon 5 fans, vikings, penguins, and the Ultima Dragons, including Chunky and Creamy Dragon. Richie Bears munch on twinkies and down cans of Jolt, while the Dragons slurp on slurpees and the penguins drinks cans of Bud Ice. Sky the serving wench and Kosh flit about, offering chocolate chip cookies to anybody who is interested. As Ricki Lake walks back onto the stage, everyone leaps out of their seats and cheers and hollers wildly. A few of the Richie Bears hold up signs declaring their eternal devotion to Ricki Lake.
Ricki Lake: And we're back with the show, "Sex, Lies, and Virtuousness... How I Got Even With My Interdimensional No-good Cheating Boyfriend!"
Narrator: Nastassia and the Avatar are seated in chairs on the stage. The Avatar is dressed as the Ether Titan and sulks with his arms crossed in front of his chest. Nastassia is dressed in a black leather jacket and skirt and is heavily armed with a laser rifle, grenades, and several really sharp and pointy knives.
Ricki Lake: When we left off, Nastassia had just finished telling us how the Avatar deceived, used, betrayed her.... and how she got her revenge!
Narrator: At the mention of Nastassia, much of the audience cheers. Nastassia smiles meekly, dabbing away crocodile tears with a hanky. The Avatar rolls his eyes and nearly gags.
Avatar: [muttering under his breath] I can't believe I'm doing this.
Ricki Lake: [to Nastassia] So Nastassia, are there any last words you would like to say before the Avatar gets to tell his side of the story?
Narrator: Nastassia slowly nods with wide-eyed innocent eyes and a sad wounded puppy-dog expression on her face.
Nastassia: [trying not to cry] Y-y-yes. [sniffle] I just want to say that I know I did some bad things to the Avatar.... but that it's not really my fault... [whimper] I felt so [sniff] betrayed... and... I came from a broken home! I grew up an orphan!!!! No one ever really loved me! [Nastassia starts to sob] I've had such a screwed up life, how can you blame me!
Audience: Ohhhhhhh.....
Narrator: Everybody feels sorry for Nastassia. A few of the Richie Bears come up to the stage and hug her, some of the brazilian tourists sniffle and cry, and Ricki Lake bonks the Avatar on the head with her microphone....
Ricki Lake: You jerk! How could you!
Avatar: Oh yeah! Well... my pet turtle died when I was just five years old!
Ricki Lake: Yeah right! As if that's an excuse for all your wrongdoing. Whoever heard of something so ridiculous!
Avatar: But... but... [the Avatar glances over at Nastassia, who is still being showered with love and affection] [sighing dejectedly] Oh this sucks....
Nastassia: [whispering to the Avatar with an evil smirk] By the time I finish with you, you're going to wish you had never set foot in this studio.
Avatar: I already do. By the way, where'd you get that laser rifle?
Nastassia: Hah! Not every planet the Guardian and I have conquered is a medieval, backwater dump like Britannia.
Ricki Lake: So, you heartless fiend, what do *you* have to say for yourself?
Avatar: Uh... she's a liar!!!!
Ricki Lake: Soooooo, you're saying that the videotapes, recorded conversations, eyewitness testimony, and confessions that Nastassia presented to us are all fake?
Narrator: The audience boos and starts to throw empty cans of Jolt, twinkie wrappers, and bottles of Zima at the Avatar.
Ricki Lake: [with an evil grin] Well Avatar, we're going to bring out two of your old companions and then we'll see who's really the liar.... [turning to the audience] Meet the Avatar's friends, Iolo and Dupre!!!
Narrator: Iolo comes out first, wearing a purple and orange striped shirt, checkered golf pants pulled WAY above the waist, and a stupid golf cap. He runs over to Nastassia and gives her a hug....
Iolo: I was listening back stage... Oh you poor thing!
Narrator: The Avatar grabs Iolo's cap and thwaps him with it.
Avatar: HEY! [thwap!] Who's side [thwap! thwap!] are you on!!!! [thwap!]
Iolo: Ouch! Ouch! OK, OK, I'll stop!
Narrator: Iolo snatches his golf cap and takes a seat. Next, Dupre floats in, nothing more than a translucent ghost.
Avatar: Hey Dupre! What's up? Long time no see. What are you doing here?
Dupre: [floating over to a chair] They offered me a six-pack of beer.
Avatar: I don't believe you Dupre! What wouldn't you do for beer!
Dupre: Hey! There's no beer in the Ethereal Void! Or anything else! No food, no drink, and no babes! It sucks! Well... the Timelord did offer me a Jelly Baby, but that's it! Me and the Serpents spend the rest of our time just playing interdimensional shuffleboard and connect-the-dots with the stars. You should be thanking me for sacrificing myself for *you*!
Avatar: Why'd you do that anyway? That was really noble of you.
Dupre: The guys at Origin offered me a six-pack of beer.
Avatar: D'owe!
Iolo: [to Dupre] Well, at least you weren't abandoned on Serpent Isle! There's NOTHING to do over there! Everybody's dead! Except for the monks, the automatons, and Gwenno! Talk about BOR-ING! Luckily for me, I burned down Monitor and turned it into a golf course. The automatons make excellent caddies doncha know. It gives me something to do in my retirement.
Avatar: Well let me tell you, you guys didn't miss much. Super Mario.... ahem.. I mean Pagan, sucked! You wouldn't have liked it there Iolo, you probably would've broken your hip from all the jumping you had to do, and I had this stupid pot on my head, and you couldn't steal, and you couldn't have any se.... [the Avatar realizes the audience is listening to him intently] and you couldn't really help anyone!
Iolo and Dupre: But you had the mushrooms!
Avatar: OK, maybe the mushrooms did somewhat make up for the stupid game, but just a bit! And remember, I had to deal with that witch Mordea, those damned guards, and those floating platforms!
Iolo and Dupre: Good point.
Avatar: Hey... wait a minute.... where's Shamino?
Iolo: Who cares! He was a no good wimp anyway. Last time I saw him, he mentioned something about going back north, to that winter wasteland. Though I have no idea why that moron would do that... He's probably freezing cold and absolutely miserable.
Narrator: All three of them laugh at Shamino. Then Ricki Lake interrupts.
Ricki Lake: [to Iolo and Dupre] So guys, did or did the Avatar not have an affair with Lucilla and Frigidazzi?
Avatar: [whispering to both of them] Come on guys, cover for me....
Iolo and Dupre: Wellll, er, um....
Narrator: Ricki Lake walks off stage and returns with a towering heap of Twinkies, Ho-Ho's, Snowballs, and Hostess Pies.
Ricki Lake: Look what I have guys....
Iolo and Dupre: Yes!
Narrator: Like a trainer feeding seals fish, Ricki Lake throws them each a twinkie. Iolo and Dupre catch the Twinkies with their mouths and swallow them whole.
Iolo: Oh, and also with Princess Diana!
Avatar: Now THAT'S a lie!
Iolo: [looking ashamed of himself] Ohhhh, I just wanted another Twinkie.
Ricki Lake: [throwing another Twinkie to Iolo] Who cares? All that matters is that even the Avatar's best friends admit that the Avatar has cheated on Nastassia! [turning to the Avatar] You no-good lying cheat! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Narrator: The audience boos and hisses. This time, they throw Slurpees, Pez, and Cans of Spam.
Narrator: The Avatar cowers behind his chair. Then suddenly, he is struck by an incredible revelation. He stands up and strides to the front of the stage.
Avatar: [shouting at the top of his lungs] Hey you gu-uys!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now wait a minute! So what if I fooled around with Lucilla and Frigidazzi! SO WHAT!!!! I still never betrayed Nastassia because she was NEVER my girlfriend! N-E-V-E-R, NEVER!!!
Narrator: Everybody gasps in disbelief.
Nastassia: Oh, how truly pitiful Avatar! [laughing a bit nervously]
Avatar: I mean, sure, we had a conversation, I helped her out, then she kissed me, but that's it! All we had was one stupid conversation, in one stupid game!
Ricki Lake: Uh.... game?
Avatar: Yeah, Ultima 7! I don't mean to freak you all out! But it's all a game! And she wasn't even a big part of Ultima 7! [getting angrier] What gives her the right to think I'm her boyfriend after just one conversation and a few kisses!!! [The Avatar gets on a roll] If she was so important than why wasn't she in Ultima Underworld II or Serpent Isle! Huh? Huh? I'll tell you why! Because all she was was a stupid NPC in one stupid game who didn't even have a major part to play. She was only there as a part of a mini-quest! [turning to Nastassia] It's just a game babe! Get over it!!!!
Narrator: Iolo closes his eyes and puts his hands over his ears...
Iolo: I'm not hearing this! I can't hear you! I can't hear you!
Avatar: [turning to Dupre] I thought you told him that we were all just characters in a game?
Dupre: Well, I was going to, but I was afraid the old geezer would have a heart attack.
Nastassia: Oh, fine, be that way! Yeah, I admit, all we really had was one conversation, but you can't deny the love you felt when you kissed me...
Avatar: Actually, I can.
Nastassia: What!!!!
Avatar: I helped you out, you kissed me, I kissed you, that's it!!! There was never anything of consequence.
Narrator: Nastassia grows outraged.
Nastassia: You jerk!!!! Prepare to die!!!
Narrator: Nastassia grabs her laser rifle, leaps to her feet, and fires off a barrage of laserfire.
Avatar and just about everybody else: Aiyee!!!!
Narrator: The Avatar dives to the ground. Iolo hides under his chair and closes his eyes. The audience breaks into a panic and everybody runs for cover, screaming in terror. Everybody except for Dupre that is...
Iolo: Why aren't you taking cover! Are you crazy Dupre!
Dupre: No, I'm just dead!
Narrator: Dupre leans back, yawns, and relaxes as Nastassia blasts the whole studio to smithereens. But despite Nastassia's best efforts, she can't hit the Avatar.
Avatar: [dodging laserfire] Haha! Can't get me! Can't get me! Thppppptttt!
Nastassia: OK, I've had it... it's time to bring in the big guy....
Avatar: The big guy??? [gulp] Somehow I don't think she's talking about Andre the Giant.
Dupre: Hey, I've met him!!!! Meanwhile, on the Guardian's homeworld....
Narrator: It is late at night. Outside the Guardian's window, a bleak, desolate world can be seen. All sorts of evil creatures roam about and fly in the sky. The Guardian is enjoying a quiet evening after a hard day's work of conquest, plunder, and mass destruction. He sits at his computer, playing Minesweeper in Windows and eating Chinese food.
Guardian: All right! I've almost got it! Just two more mines to go....
Narrator: Suddenly, his beeper goes off... The Guardian loses his concentration and accidentally clicks on the wrong square, setting off a mine and losing the game.
Guardian: Noooooooooo!!!! Damn you Avatar!!!! Damn you!!!!!
Narrator: Suddenly, an inconspicuous servant appears.
Igor the Inconspicuous Servant: How do you know this has anything to do with the Avatar?
Guardian: Because it ALWAYS has something to do with the Avatar! And I read the script.
Narrator: The Guardian sighs wearily and opens up the Black Gate. Meanwhile, back in the Ricki Lake studio...
Narrator: A blackgate opens up and the Guardian steps through. He towers over the Avatar menacingly. The Avatar takes one look at him and falls to the floor laughing, pointing at the Guardian's boxer shorts and fuzzy bunny slippers. Soon everybody starts laughing.
The Guardian: Oh shut up! I was about to go to sleep when Nastassia called!
Narrator: The Guardian gets angry. With the help of Nastassia blasting everything to bits, the Guardian tries to stomp on the Avatar and squish him.
Iolo: Avatar, can't you do something! You're the Ether Titan after all!
Avatar: How the hell should I know! I didn't get an instruction booklet when I got this dorky outfit.
Nastassia: Yeah, what's with that! You look like a "Spartacus" reject with a scrubbrush on your head!
Avatar: I resent that!
Narrator: Dupre disappears, then moments later reappears with a booklet entitled, "Ye Olde Instruction Manual." He tosses it at the Avatar.
Avatar: All right... now we're in business! [the Avatar begins to read] Congratulations, you have become an Ether Titan (tm)....
Narrator: The Avatar flips forward....
Avatar: Where's the part about my powers!
Narrator: The Avatar flips through it somemore and finally finds what he is looking for.
Avatar: Ok.... ok.... oh neato.... awesome! This rocks! OK Guardian, prepare to die!!!
Narrator: The Avatar opens up a portal. Sock Creatures come running out, armed with BFGs (Big Fun Guns (tm)). The Avatar sits back and grins, anticipating the Guardian's death at the Sock Creature's hands.
Sock Creature: Lord Argyle, where are we?
Lord Argyle: I know not.
Lieutenant Goldentoe: Look, they have Hostess Snackcakes!
Sock Creatures: Hostess!!!!!
Narrator: The Sock Creatures run over and gorge on Twinkies and Ho-hos, leaving the Guardian untouched.
Avatar: D'owe!
Narrator: Next, the Avatar opens up yet another portal, this time, Fenrys the Fox comes loping out. He takes one look at the Guardian and rolls his eyes.
Fenrys: You actually expect me to fight HIM! Hmph! You're even dumber than you look! Hey, hostess snackcakes! [Fenrys runs over to where the Sock Creatures are]
Avatar: Double D'owe!
Narrator: Meanwhile, Dupre disappears yet again and returns with his promised six- pack of beer. He grabs a can, pops it open, and attempts to chug it down... the beer slips straight through him, splattering onto his seat...
Dupre: D'owe!!!!
Narrator: In sheer frustration, he tosses the can away in disgust.
The Guardian: Hahahaha, Avatar! Your puny powers have no effect on me! Prepare to die!
Narrator: The Guardian takes a step forward and steps on the beer can. He slips on it and comes crashing down to the ground, squishing several Brazilian tourists. The force of the impact kills him instantly. The remaining Brazilian tourists try to drag off his body for a souvenir.
Avatar: Oh yeah! I'm the Ether Titan, don't you mess with me! I rock! I rule!
Dupre: You moron! What the hell did you do! We weren't supposed to kill the Guardian! Origin's going to have a freakin' cow! We needed him for Ultima 9!
Iolo: (closing his eyes and putting his hands over his ears) I'm not hearing this!
Avatar: [to Iolo] Get over it! [turning to Dupre] Hey, you're the one who tossed the beer can, not me! It's your fault!
Dupre: Is not!
Avatar: Is too!!!
Dupre: Say that again and I'll... I'll...
Avatar: What are you going to do, Casper! Slime me!!!
Narrator: While Dupre and the Avatar are fighting, a tiny door in the Guardian's head swings open and Pinky and the Brain walk out.
Brain: Drat! My plans have been foiled again, and all on account of a simple beer can. Come Pinky, let us prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night? Narf!
Brain: The same thing we do every night. Try to take over Britannia.
Mysterious Voices: They're Pinky, Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain....
Nastassia: [staring at Pinky and the Brain] Oh, that's just swell!!!! And you think you know a guy...
Avatar: Haha! You were working for a bunch of mice!
Nastassia: Yeah, well at least they paid me a good salary! I don't seem to remember you being paid anything! Haha!
Dupre: Well, that's only because he kept stealing stuff. Origin took it out of his paycheck.
Narrator: Nastassia is about to respond when she looks around and realizes that the audience is closing in on her, not too happy that she tried to blow them to bits. Brazilian tourists wield cameras as if they were morningstars, the Vikings get out their spears and swords, and the Dragons all start to breathe fire.
Nastassia: Welll, I think it's time for me to make my exit!
Avatar: Oh no you don't!
Nastassia: Oh yes I will!
Narrator: Nastassia actives a communicator on her wrist.
Nastassia: Edrin, get over here NOW!
Narrator: A rumbling sound is heard in the distance. It gets closer and closer, until thunderous engine noise rocks the entire Ricki Lake studio. A Kilrathi ship tears into the roof of the studio and lands in the middle of the stage. Edrin can be seen at the controls.
Avatar: What the hell!
Nastassia: Like I said, not every world the Guardian ruled is a backwater dump like Britannia!
Avatar: Hey, no fair! I want a ship!
Narrator: Nastassia leaps into the Dralthi and straps herself in.
Nastassia: Too bad loser!
Narrator: With that, Edrin takes off.
Dupre: Oh please, all she had was a Dralthi. Why would you want a sucky pancake ship like that?
Avatar: Cuz it beats the hell out of a Magic Carpet!
Dupre: Wait a minute.... you are the Ether Titan after all...
Avatar: Hey, I am.... hehehe....
Narrator: The Avatar concentrates and opens up a portal. A Kilrathi battlecruiser comes flying out, wrecking what is left of the studio.
Avatar: All right!!!! I rock! I rule!
Dupre: But Avatar! We can't fly this thing ourself!
Avatar: This is true....
Narrator: Suddenly, the Avatar is struck by a brilliant idea and turns to the studio audience....
Avatar: Hey, guys! You wanna be a part of my crew!
Studio Audience: Why not!!!!
Narrator: The Ultima Dragons, Richie Bears, Brazilian tourists, Penguins, Vikings, Sky and Kosh, Babylon 5 fans, and Fenrys the Fox pile on board.
Avatar: [to Dupre and Iolo] You guys coming?
Iolo: But I would be parted from my dearest Gwenno........... I'm coming!
Dupre: Sure, beats floating around in the Void all day and all night...
Narrator: Everybody runs in and the ship starts to take off...
Sky: [from inside the ship] I'll be in charge of desserts!
Dupre: [from inside the ship] I'll be the bartender!
Iolo: [from inside the ship] Let's all sing a sea shanty!
Everybody else in the ship: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Narrator: As the ship takes off, Ricki Lake crawls out of the rubble.
Ricki Lake: Oh great! They demolished my whole studio! This debacle better have gotten me some good ratings! Meanwhile, back in the icy northern wastelands of Serpent Isle.
Shamino: Ingrid dear! Could you bring me another Pina Colada?
Ingrid: Oh course, my wittle Shammy wammy!!!
Narrator: Ingrid the Swedish Ski Mercenary dashes over to the poolside bar. Shamino leans back in his lounge chair, closes his eyes, and basks in the sun. Heidi then runs over in a skimpy bikini and splashes some water on him.
Shamino: Hey!!! That's cold!!!
Narrator: Heidi giggles.
Heidi: Oh Shamino, your idea to create a climatically-controlled geodesic dome turned out great! Not only do we have the best ski resort now, but also the best tropical resort!!! Oh, and I love the palm trees and the new hotel.
Shamino: Well, you have to thank Gwenno, she's the one who designed and built both the dome and the hotel.
Narrator: Gwenno walks over, carrying a laptop computer, and plops down right next to Shamino.
Shamino: Hi Gwenno, we were just talking about you.
Gwenno: [totally fixated on the screen] Oh, that's nice. I was just looking at our profit margins.
Shamino: And?
Gwenno: If we add another Black Diamond ski slope and an exercise megaplex, we can increase our market share by 8%. Though the investment will cost us in the short run, in terms of long term financial gain, we should be able to increase our profits.
Shamino: But can we afford that?
Gwenno: Yes, if we liquidate some of our assets. I suggest selling off our shares of stock in ADT and Mobil. Both of their second-quarter earnings reports were very disappointing. I expect their stocks to fall in value and we might as well sell while we are ahead. Is that all right with you?
Shamino: Uh, yeah, sure.
Heidi: So Shamino, you want to take a dip in the pool?
Narrator: Heidi gestures over to the pool, which is filled with frolicking Swedish Ski Mercenaries. They all wave at Shamino and plead with him to come join them.
Shamino: Do you actually need to ask?
Narrator: Heidi and Shamino are headed to the pool, when Ingrid comes racing over.
Shamino: Hey, where's the Pina Colada?
Ingrid: Look!
Narrator: Everybody turns around and looks up in the sky, where Ingrid is pointing at. A Kilrathi battlecruiser is in hot pursuit of a Dralthi ship, which somehow has managed to escape being blown to bits.
Shamino: Weren't the Kilrathis' reservations for next week?
Gwenno: [furiously typing on her laptop] Yep. Who knows what those losers are up to. Ah well, if they get near the resort our missile defense system can always just blow them out of the sky.
Shamino: Oh, that's good.
Ingrid: Or the brave and dashing Captain Huggies can take care of them. [dreamy sigh]
Shamino: Well, we'll just have to see whether or not those Kilrathi ships enter our air space. So Ingrid baby, sweetums, can you get me that Pina Colada now? Pweaty pwease?
Ingrid: Of course, my wittle Captain Huggly Wuggly!
Narrator: Ingrid happily trots over to the bar. Shamino then prepares to join the rest of the Swedish Ski Mercenaries in the pool.
Shamino: You know, there are definitely some advantages to being a superhero.